And a roll of quarters.
It's laundry day.
Let's go!
[SIRENS WAILING]
Drop your weapons.
[SINGING] Trying on a hat Yes, I'm trying on...
[SCREAMS]
[SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown With my new family
There's old friends and new friends And even a bear
Through good times and bad times It's true love we share
And so I found a place Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show
[CHUCKLES]
Stay with us, Cleveland.
The hat. Please tell me they saved the hat.
I need his medical information.
- What's his blood type? - I think maybe A positive?
B negative.
- Does he take any medications? - I don't think so.
- What? - No meds.
I take nine pills a day.
- Is he allergic to penicillin? - Uh, I'm gonna say no.
Wait, I'm extremely allergic to...
Sweet greens and histamines.
Help. Throat closing. Sound like old jazz musician:
[SCATTING]
I can't believe a van crashed into you at 70 miles an hour...
...and you only broke your thumb. - Stop changing the subject.
What's important here is that you know absolutely nothing about me.
Look at this. The only thing you knew was my name.
And you spelled it wrong.
It's not C-L-E-A...?
C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D.
- Really? Just like the city? - Yes.
Why? Were you born there?
I was conceived during the seventh inning stretch...
...of an Indians game.
Ask me anything about you.
Blood type: O positive. Bra size: 36 B and D.
Favorite food: Cool Ranch.
Cleveland, the reason you love me...
...isn't because I know every little thing about you.
The reason you love me is because I'm Donna.
- What? - Let's be honest.
You pursued me for 25 years.
And all through those years, you kept your eyes on the prize.
I was your prize, Cleveland.
- And you won me. - Well...
You don't need me to know your likes and dislikes, your shoe size...
...which medications might kill you, I am the sun...
...and you're the moon revolving around me.
Doesn't the moon revolve around the Earth?
I'll tell you what the moon doesn't do. The moon doesn't question the sun.
Stupid fathead. Thinks he's an astronaut or a cosmonaut, shoot.
Donna really takes me for granted, and it's starting to piss me off.
- Ooh! Check out the hardwood floors. - It says they're all original.
Peg and groove. Gorgeous.
You know what else is gorgeous? Touring open houses with no intent to buy.
But with intent to dream.
- Damn straight, my friend. - No, you said it.
I mean, there I was, needing medical attention.
- She didn't know my blood type... - B negative.
...what I'm allergic to... - Penicillin and water chestnuts, duh.
...or which medications I take.
Zyrtec, Prevacid, Lamisil, Lunesta, Xanax, Celebrex, Flomax, and HGH.
And as of Thursday, Lipitor.
Trying to get my cholesterol down to the 300s.
Recessed shower bench. That's where I'd live.
That is where I'd live.
Huh. Hey, Cleveland, there's a photo of you over here.
In other words, there's a photo of some black guy.
Possibly a dark-skinned Latino.
No. This one is definitely you.
- Hot damn, you're right. - Hey, there's more.
CLEVELAND: Hmm. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
Class.
I cannot take a bad picture.
You've got a stalker. I've never seen this from the other side.
Oh, my God.
I've got a stalker.
Somebody is obsessed with me.
Take that, Donna.
- Do you gentlemen have any questions? - Yes.
What's the current owner's name so I can rub it in my wife's face.
Sorry, I'm not allowed to disclose that information...
...unless you're buying the house. - I see.
We'll take it.
REALTOR: Congratulations, gentlemen, on your new home.
Now, if you'll just sign these closing papers.
Aha! Patricia Donner. The seller's name is Patricia Donner.
We will not be buying the house after all. Thank you.
What? Why?
We broke up.
You know, we probably could've just Googled the address.
Google? What, are we making up words now?
Why don't we just fleeble flobble down to the jim-jam, Tim?
Bad bear.
- Cleveland. - I have news.
Apparently, I'm someone's prize too.
A real live woman by the name of Patricia Donner.
[LAUGHING]
- What? - Patricia Donner?
You mean Fatty Patty from back in high school?
I knew that name sounded familiar.
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Los back boobs.
CLASS: Los back boobs.
What's she saying?
I'm completely lost.
Well, I think it's great that you're a prize to Fatty Patty...
...since everybody knows fat girls are, oh, so choosy.
[LAUGHING]
What's so funny? Is Nurse Jackie on?
I don't have to sit here and take this.
I'm gonna go hang out at Patty's where I'm appreciated.
I bet you he's gonna cry.
Yup, he crying.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I'm sorry. Is your obese mother home?
Cleveland? It's me, Patty.
The hell it is.
[GROANS]
Fell off the porch.
Sorry if it seemed forward...
...but I had to give that recessed shower bench a test drive.
And let me say wow.
Normally I get all winded during my showers, but not today.
]LAUGHING]
So you saw the photos I have of you.
I swear I'm not a stalker.
Oh, sure. That's what my last stalker said.
Then she killed herself on our doorstep. Ha-ha-ha.
I'm just kidding. She's on the Today show now.
- Stay away from me, Hoda. - Ha-ha-ha.
Killer tat. You got ink. I've been thinking about getting inked up with some tats.
Ink tats, the coolest kind.
It's a hot-air balloon.
They're kind of my thing, ever since I was a kid.
I guess because I was overweight, I liked the idea of being...
...well, lighter than air, you know?
Huh, God, I sound like such a dork.
Because you like balloons? Ha.
Then I guess the movie Up is a dork. Not.
It was a very successful motion picture.
Cleveland, seeing you takes me back to tenth grade.
High school must have been tough for a girl of your circumference.
You were the only one who was nice to me back then.
When those kids stole my bike...
...you gave me a dime so I could call for a ride home.
Ha! Remember pay phones? Those were the days.
I mean, where would Superman change now?
Inside a little tiny cellular phone? Ha-ha-ha.
No way. He'd have to be way too small, wouldn't work.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, and, God, I was so into you.
I never missed a broadcast...
...of that controversial radio station you ran out of your basement.
No one gets us, you know?
Everything is so stupid these days...
...with our stupid teachers and their stupid rules...
... and our stupid parents who just don't understand.
And our stupid government...
... telling me what I can and can't do with my body.
Sometimes I think we should just blow them all away.
But first, let's take a ride on "Electric Avenue."
Oh, no, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
So where have you been?
Last I had heard, you left the foreign service and moved to Rhode Island...
...to work in a deli. - I owned a deli. Smell.
Mm. You still smell like bologna.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Ham, ham, ham, ham, ham, ham.
And then you move back just when I'm moving away.
Why are you moving?
I want a family.
And my biological clock is ticking like a bomb.
- I call my uterus the Hurt Locker. - Ha!
[SIGHS]
Donna is lucky she snapped up the one great guy in Stoolbend.
I hope she appreciates what she's got.
Yeah, right. She appreciates me...
...about as much as people appreciate pay phones these days.
- I mean, who still uses a pay... - Okay, Cleveland.
Well, then, how about some "I appreciate you" cranberry scones?
With a little "I don't take you for granted" strawberry jam?
I've never heard of these brands.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: We now return...
... to Middle-Aged Slobs Yelling at Each Other About Building a Motorcycle.
- What are you doing with this chopper? - I'm waiting on a tire.
- When is it coming in? - I don't know.
- Do I look like I work at the tire store? - Hey, knock it off.
- You knock it off. - Damn it. Zachary Quinto needs this bike.
Man, now I'll never see them...
...almost not finish the bike on time but then finish the bike on time.
Well, Donna, I spent the day with my admirer.
You know, the one we called Fatty Patty?
I don't want you to feel threatened or anything but...
Threatened? Please.
I think it's great you've got somebody worshipping you for once.
You've never had that, have you, Cleveland?
Well, there's Junior.
But he also worships airport security workers.
Go right on through, sir.
I don't notice anything because I don't take my job seriously.
Hey, why don't you invite Fatty Patty over for dinner?
She's probably Ionely.
And I know she likes dinner.
All right, you know what? I will invite her to dinner.
Of course you will. You do whatever I tell you.
You didn't tell me to pop and lock out of here.
I just dropped everything in the deep fryer a second time...
...to be sure it's to Fatty Patty's liking. - Oh, for her you do it?
Why are you setting up the video camera on a tripod...
...pointed right at my face? - Oh, no reason.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
Hi, Patty. Look, Donna, it's Patty.
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLES]
[HUMMING]
You must have a lot of good pictures of you holding up giant pairs of pants.
Donna, doesn't Patty look good?
I've gotta say, I am impressed.
Thanks. I'd be happy to share my secrets whenever you decide you're ready.
For one thing, you might wanna stop frying everything twice.
It's bad for you. Hey, speaking of getting in shape...
...do you remember when you won the President's Physical Fitness Award?
Remember? It was only one of the biggest events of my life.
I'm sure you remember, Donna.
- Oh, yeah, it was 1980... - '83.
I've never seen anyone do calf raises like Cleveland.
Aw, don't make me do my calf raises. Oh, all right.
Ah. Ah.
[LAUGHING]
Lower your calves and sit down, fool.
Wait, Cleveland, do you still whistle competitively?
Oh, I'm a little rusty, but:
[WHISTLING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
- When did you learn to...? - Hey, Patty, just out of curiosity...
...how do you spell my name?
I think I can spell the name of the city where you were conceived...
...during the seventh inning stretch of an Indians game.
C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D. Who doesn't know that?
D-A-W-N-A.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
"Whenever you decide you're ready."
About ready to punch you in your skinny head.
Donna.
Oh, great. You're wearing your smug suspenders.
Yes. And let me say dinner was delicious.
Watching you and Patty, I mean.
You are not to see that woman ever again.
[GASPS]
Why, Donna, you're not jealous, are you?
For how can the sun be jealous of the moon?
How can Beyoncé be jealous of one of Destiny's other two children?
[WHISTLING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"]
[CROWD CHEERING]
I was whistling the anthem for weeks after that.
Donna doesn't allow whistling in the house.
And she doesn't want me seeing you anymore either.
She's worried something might happen between us.
Isn't that crazy? I'd never cheat on her.
Suddenly I'm a seductress? Ha, ha.
- Here, let me get you another drink. - Okay.
But try not to pour it seductively. Ha-ha-ha.
Ah.
Although, it's not that crazy that you and I would be together.
And to be honest, I have thought about us being more than friends.
Oh, you have?
Actually, kind of a lot.
I have to confess, I kind of have this fantasy...
...about soaring through the clouds on a hot-air balloon.
All of a sudden, I'm feeling dizzy.
Making beautiful love on each other.
Hold on, did you put something in my?
Oh, good, it was just a dream.
I'm not really accepting...
...an American Music Award in my underwear, I'm just...
...tied naked to a stranger's bed.
Okay, what happened? What happened? A note.
"Dear Cleveland."
Huh, still has fat-girl handwriting.
"I am so sorry about all of this, but I hope in time you will forgive me."
Well, that depends. Forgive her for what?
"Again, my biological clock is ticking, and the only person...
...I would ever wanna have a child with is you."
Aw, that's flattering.
"So I drugged you, undressed you, prepared a specimen cup...
...put on a rubber glove and..."
Damn, end of the page. And what?
No, she jacked me!
By which I mean stole something from.
She stole my essence!
And here is the spacious master suite.
Hi.
Which is perfect for deviant sex acts.
- We'll take it. - We'll take it.
[SCREAMS]
DONNA: You what?
Let's not blame the victim here. She made glove to me.
And I wasn't even awake to enjoy it.
You had drinks with the woman I told you never to see...
...and then she ended up drugging you...
...stripping you, tying you up, and stealing your "jazzmatazz"?
That's one way to look at it.
The other way is: Hooray, I'm gonna have a baby!
We're having a baby?
Oh, man, I'm gonna be the best big brother ever.
I'm gonna teach him everything I know, and be Mama's big boy helper, and...
Wait a minute. Is he going to play with my toys?
He better not touch my Lite-Brite. I got a clown on there.
Oh, no. And what if he's cute? Cuter than me.
I hate him!
Aw, we'll be friends as adults when we reconcile at your funeral.
Ugh, anyway, you need to go find that woman and stop her.
You're right. Donna, if you wanted to inseminate yourself...
...where would you go? - Well, I'd go to a fertility clinic.
But that's just because I got a fertility clinic tattooed on my wrist.
That's it. I know where she is.
Meet me there after you figure it out.
What this woman did to me was a crime against all men everywhere.
So we're gonna find the hot-air balloon...
...where she's planning to artificially inseminate herself...
...and we're gonna get back my spermatozoa!
ALL: Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Well, there it is.
We will literally do anything this guy tells us.
She must be in one of those.
Holt, give me your 600-dollar binoculars.
There she is. Let's go.
CLEVELAND: Patty! - Huh?
[SINGING] I want my babies back Babies back, babies back
Babies back, babies back
I want my babies back
[SINGING] Cleveland's potential kids
I want my babies back
ALL: Cleveland's potential kids
Barbecue sauce
You're too late, Cleveland.
The doctor is in.
FIST: Cleveland?
Dr. Fist, you can't do this. I haven't given my consent.
Sorry, but it's the Hippocratic oath.
I'm required to provide medical treatment for anyone who gives me cash money.
Patty, please. You don't want that.
I have the herpatitis.
Nice try, Cleveland.
- But that doesn't exist. - Oh.
FIST: Okay, Patty, I've Wet-Napped the baster. It's as sterile as it's gonna get.
Then go ahead, doctor.
Inseminate?
Insemi-not.
CLEVELAND: Donna. - I dug up the old yearbook...
...and saw that Patty's senior wish was to have sex with you in a hot-air balloon.
Heh, in a way, we're all still who we were in high school.
Listen up, Patty. You're still thinking like a fat girl.
You can do better than Cleveland now.
- Hurtful. - You can do better than a man...
...who TiVos nine different judge shows and watches them all.
A man who thinks that turning a sock inside out...
...makes it a whole new sock.
A man who puts skim milk in his seven-sugared coffee.
I do do those things.
Oh, Donna. You do know me.
All is forgiven.
I didn't do anything wrong.
You didn't have to.
You're right, Donna. I don't have to settle.
I guess I was so blinded by that one nice gesture in high school...
...that I didn't see everything else.
The spare tire, the outdated mustache, and that bubble-throated horn voice.
We get it!
Yuck. Dr. Fist, hold your fire.
- I'm not going through with it. FIST: Aw.
Can I keep looking at your business till we land?
- No. - I never get to do anything.
I guess I should get out of Stoolbend, see what the world has to offer.
I just hope I can find someone...
...who's as devoted to me as Cleveland is to you.
Aw, you won't. You're too crazy.
Well, I guess we won't be needing this.
CLEVELAND: No!
Dun dun dunn!
[English - US - SDH]